Supporting an Overwhelmed Mom: A Husband’s Guide for Husbands

Husbands, it is highly likely you live with an overwhelmed mom and don’t even know it. Now is time to act.

Sure, being a man and a husband is tough, too. We are expected to sacrifice ourselves to work, bury our trauma and resentments, and grind daily. Sure, we want to work on ourselves – and there is a time for that.

Right now, it is the time to shift our attention and energy to the woman you fell in love with, who bore and is raising your children.

She is an overwhelmed mom and needs your support.

Learning from 30+ years and four (4) children

Why listen to me? I have four (4) kids – including boy/girl twins, and my wife and I have been together for 30+ years (we met when we were 15).

Let’s acknowledge that fully understanding your spouse is impossible; however, men can seek to know their needs.

You can use your powers of observation, intuition, and feelings to know when things aren’t right with your bride.

Since you are reading this, you are already a remarkable man because you are taking a proactive step to understand her further. Contrast this with sitting idle or worse, making things worse for her (and yourself).

It would be a willful intention not to notice that being a mom is hard work. By definition, being a mom is overwhelming.

But what if your wife or partner is struggling more than usual?

As men, we may not always be aware of the signs of overwhelm in our spouse. So, it’s essential to know how to recognize the symptoms so you can provide support. Below, I’ll explain how to identify when your overwhelmed mom needs help and how you can step in as her husband and do your part. First, we will explore the causes of overwhelm for moms with school-aged children. Then discuss tips for reducing stress levels while providing emotional support. With this, you can make life easier for your incredible wife. 

Table of Contents:

Identifying Signs of Overwhelm in Your Spouse

1. Exhaustion
2. Low Moods
3. Withdrawal from Social Activities
4. Avoidance of Responsibilities
5. Poor Concentration
6. Uncharacteristic Irritability
7. Changes in Eating
8. Increased Alcohol Consumption
9. Loss of Motivation or Drive
10. Pain, Discomforts, Ailments

21 Ways to Support an Overwhelmed Mom

1. Listen to her and show genuine interest in what she has to say.
2. Know her Trust Busters and don’t break them.
3. Help with household chores and childcare responsibilities.
4. Support her career and personal goals.
5. Express affection and appreciation regularly. Not just sexual desires.
6. Surprise her with small gestures and acts of kindness.
7. Make time for date nights and quality time together.
8. Be patient and understanding during difficult times.
9. Show empathy and compassion towards her feelings and experiences.
10. Communicate openly and honestly with her.
11. Take an active interest in her hobbies and interests.
12. Help her with her personal and professional development.
13. Be there for her during times of stress or uncertainty.
14. Be a positive and supportive presence in her life.
15. Be a good listener and offer advice when asked.
16. Be understanding and supportive of her relationship with her family and friends.
17. Seek to understand her attachment style and meet her style.
18. Surprise her with thoughtful gifts.
19. Be a team player and work together to overcome challenges and achieve goals.
20. Set Boundaries Together.
21. Be a supportive and loving partner who I’m she can rely on and trust.

Understanding the Causes of Overwhelm

Reduce Stress and Anxiety in the Home for an Overwhelmed Mom

1. Create a Supportive Environment
2. Set Realistic Expectations
3. Practice Self-Care Together

FAQs in Relation to Overwhelmed Mom

• Is it normal to feel overwhelmed as a mother?
• What to do when you’re an overwhelmed mom?
• What is depleted mother syndrome?
• What does mom burnout feel like?

Conclusion

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Identifying Signs of Overwhelm in Your Spouse

It is not easy to recognize when your spouse is feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelm often manifests in subtle ways, such as increased anxiety, fatigue, and irritability. Here are the top 10 signs that your spouse may be struggling with overwhelm:

1. Exhaustion: 

If your partner seems unusually tired or weary, it could be a sign of overwhelm. They may have difficulty sleeping or staying asleep due to racing thoughts and worries about their responsibilities.

2. Low Moods:

Feeling down over a long time (weeks) can indicate that something more serious is going on than just feeling “blue” occasionally. If you notice changes in mood or behavior that last longer than a few days, it could be a sign of overwhelm.

3. Withdrawal from Social Activities:

If your wife feels overwhelmed, she may withdraw from social activities. For example, she might stop engaging with friends and family members because she doesn’t feel up to it mentally or emotionally.

4 . Avoidance of Responsibilities:

Your partner might perform fewer everyday tasks like taking out the trash or doing laundry if she feels overwhelmed by all her other obligations. But unfortunately, this avoidance can lead to further feelings of guilt, which only adds to the overwhelming cycle.

5 . Poor Concentration:

Can you focus when you have a 1000 things going on? Feeling overwhelmed can cause poor concentration at work, school, home, etc.

6 . Uncharacteristic Irritability:

Increased irritability indicates she is overburdened by life’s demands. This type of reaction isn’t always intentional but rather an unconscious response caused by too much pressure internally combined with external triggers like arguments or disagreements between family members.

7. Changes in Eating:

Changes in eating habits can also be a sign of overwhelm. One example is overeating as a possible means of gaining control or comfort. Another is skipping meals altogether because there isn’t enough time during the day. These changes could indicate that someone is struggling with overloads on multiple fronts, including emotional health issues like depression and anxiety.

8. Increased Alcohol Consumption:

Additionally, a sudden increase in alcohol consumption (or any substance use) should not go unnoticed. Has alcohol become a go-to for burying negative feelings or as a source of a pick-me-up? Has it shifted from recreational and something to be enjoyed to a tool or a resource?

9. Loss of Motivation or Drive:

Take an inventory of enjoyable activities your spouse or partner used to participate in. How much of that was self-initiated? Has that changed? Has she reduced her sports, hobbies, going out with friends, sexual activity, reading, music, and gardening? Does she say ‘no’ to offers more than yes and self-start less?

10. Pain, Discomforts, Ailments:

Has there been a recent increase in physical pains and discomforts? Does she take longer to recover and with more difficulty from an illness, an injury, or strain? Does she have an increase in digestive challenges, headaches, or other aches and pains? In addition, an overwhelmed mom can manifest physical expressions of her feelings.

This is not a comprehensive list of signs of overwhelm by your partner. The key here is to recognize negative shifts and to decide to take some action instead of sitting passively and observing. Or worse, pile on challenges to our overwhelmed mom.

A special note about mental health. I am writing this as an observant husband of 20+ years and father of four. I am not a medical professional, and I am not dispensing medical advice. Instead, the guidance here is to raise awareness, be helpful, and spur action.

Signs identified here could signify deeper issues related directly to one’s mental health. This might require professional help depending on severity levels observed over specific period lengths, especially when coupled or alongside other symptoms. If this is your concern, seek additional assistance from your church, community, doctor, or other trained professionals.

Be mindful of the signs of overwhelm in your spouse, such as exhaustion and irritability. With the proper support, you can help your wife navigate her feelings of being overwhelmed. Let’s look at how you can support an overwhelmed mom next.

21 Ways to Support an Overwhelmed Mom

Being a mom is hard work. Whether it’s managing school, extracurricular activities, or household chores, it can be challenging to keep up with everything that needs to get done.

A primary way to help your wife and overwhelmed mom is to look at yourself. So let’s start with the 21 best things a husband can do for his wife so she feels loved, supported, and deeply cared for:

1. Listen to her and show genuine interest in what she has to say.

Q: How do I do this?

A: Stop doing what you are doing. Put your phone down (turn it off even). Give her your complete attention. Do this over and over again. Make it a habit.

2. Know her Trust Busters and don’t break them.

Q: What are “Trust Busters”?

A: Things you do, say, or don’t do that break her trust. Raising your voice, being angry, impatient, not telling the truth, not doing something you said you would, excessive drinking, and screen time. The basic human things you expect from yourself from others and what she expects from you.

3. Help with household chores and childcare responsibilities.

Q: I already do this. What more should I do?

A: First, you need to know what chores and childcare responsibilities she handles and what you can pick up. Ask her. She’ll love that you asked. Please understand that these items can and will change over time. Also, she can, and probably will, change her mind. 

4. Support her career and personal goals.

Q: How do I do that?

A: First, you need to know her career and personal goals – so ask. Notice a theme here? Women will expect you to be intuitive and “just know.” We know that mind reading the

5. Express affection and appreciation regularly. Not just sexual desires.

Q: eh??

A: To men, affection and appreciation are commonly fulfilled through sex. Guys, this may be a shock, but women need and seek a different kind of affection. Know her love languages and express appreciation by telling her how wonderful and beautiful she is. Tell her a superpower you observe in her. Speak to her like you did when you were dating.

6. Surprise her with small gestures and acts of kindness.

These are actions you can take and do. If you see laundry in the wash, move it to the dryer, unload the dishwasher, and make breakfast. My wife loves when I get up early in the morning and prep the kid’s breakfasts and lunches. I’ve learned to observe what my wife does and try to sneak in early to do it before she does. Then, we can talk and be together for the extra few minutes.

7. Make time for date nights and quality time together.

It helps me to recall what I’ve done with her in the past that she enjoyed. Now, what can you do to increase this? What is her version of quality time that meets her expectations?

8. Be patient and understanding during difficult times.

These days, this feels like always. We have a 2-minute rule – minimum to give someone the time to speak and get their thoughts out. Don’t interrupt. Recognize that most of us don’t have the tools, skills, or mindset to navigate this crazy world. So, give yourself and your bride some grace and patience. Seek understanding and let her speak.

9. Show empathy and compassion towards her feelings and experiences.

If you can’t be empathetic, try to understand why? Are you repeating old habits or modeling from your father? Are you harboring resentment? Have your behaviors here changed since the days when you were first dating?

10. Communicate openly and honestly with her.

Often, we find it difficult to communicate directly with our spouse. Be aware of hidden or mixed messages you might be sending, whether intended or unintended. Wishy-washy language diminishes communications.

11. Take an active interest in her hobbies and interests.

If you need to know her hobbies and interests, you should find out what they are. Does she make time for your hobbies and interests? Do you reciprocate?

12. Help her with her personal and professional development.

What are her goals here? Know her timelines. What does success look like for her?

13. Be there for her during times of stress or uncertainty.

Like- all the time. Also, be aware of stressful times coming up (holidays, family visits, changes in the school schedule). Some wives can pre-stress in anticipation of something coming up. Look at the calendar ahead and talk with her about what she sees and feels about the upcoming weeks.

14. Be a positive and supportive presence in her life.

Are you a source of positivity or another source of negativity? What do you talk to her about? Be aware of this and think of one less negative thing you can discuss and one positive thing you can replace the negativity with.

15. Be a good listener and offer advice when asked.

Be aware of your natural tendency as a man to want to be helpful or solve a problem. She may only sometimes like that help.

16. Be understanding and supportive of her relationship with her family and friends.

You might not like all of her family or friends (she’d likely say the same about yours). No one is 100% perfect, even 90%.

17. Seek to understand her attachment style and meet her style.

About 50% of people are “Secure” – they are comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. 20% of us are “Anxious” and tend to worry about our partner’s ability to love us back. Finally, about 25% of us are “Avoidant” and equate intimacy with a loss of independence and try to minimize closeness. Know your attachment style as well. There is a fantastic book titled “Attached.” on this topic.

18. Surprise her with thoughtful gifts.

This is different from the gestures above. It can be helpful to reflect on how you felt when dating and draw upon those feelings of love. What did you do, what did you get her, why did you get her these gifts?

19. Be a team player and work together to overcome challenges and achieve goals.

You married her to be together, and working as a team and overcoming challenges helps her feel supported.

20. Set Boundaries Together.

Setting boundaries together can help partners manage their workload better while having quality family time together each week. One of the most effective skills I learned early in marriage was setting healthy boundaries. There is a must-read on this topic called, no surprise: Boundaries. Discuss what tasks need priority attention first, so there’s less pressure on everyone involved in getting them completed quickly but efficiently at the same time too.

21. Be a supportive and loving partner who I’m she can rely on and trust.

This last one summarizes everything above.

Supporting an overwhelmed mom means being understanding, listening to her needs, and providing practical help where you can. With a better understanding of the causes of overwhelm, you can work together to create solutions that will make life easier for everyone involved.

Understanding the Causes of Overwhelm

Being a mom of school-aged children can be overwhelming. Not only does your wife have the responsibility for managing her own busy schedule, but she is also responsible to you, her husband, and the children. Stack these all together and you can see how easy it is to become overwhelmed. After reading the 21 Ways to Support an Overwhelmed Mom, the common causes of overwhelm for moms should look familiar.

• Feeling like there is not enough time in the day to get everything done.
• Difficulty managing multiple responsibilities such as work, parenting, and household tasks.
• Struggling to balance the demands of children’s school work and extracurricular activities with personal and familial responsibilities.
• Difficulty setting boundaries and saying “no” to requests from others.
• Lack of support from a partner or community.
• Difficulty maintaining self-care and self-compassion.
• Money and the stress of not having enough to be the mom she wants to be.
• External factors such as the pandemic, gun violence, the news, and social media can influence feelings of overwhelm.

Being responsible for another person’s emotional well-being is not easy, especially if your own emotions are running high due to being overwhelmed. It is important that you take care of yourself first before trying to support someone else emotionally; otherwise, it could lead both parties down an even more stressful path than before. Consider talking through any issues together rather than bottling them up inside, which could cause further problems later on down the line if not addressed properly now.

Identifying the sources of overwhelm can help us to better understand our feelings and take steps to reduce them. Moving forward, let’s explore some tips for reducing stress and anxiety.

Consider a 3rd Party: Counseling

I have found that having a counselor – either individual or as a couple is essential to help navigate difficult conversations. Yes, counseling is expensive. But, do you want to know what is even more expensive than counseling: divorce? Recently, we approached our pastor at church to pray with us. During those prayers, the pastor shared that the church had a program to pay for 6 counseling sessions. There are unexpected and appreciated ways to pay for counseling if your health insurance doesn’t cover or offset the cost.

Reduce Stress and Anxiety in the Home for an Overwhelmed Mom

It can be hard to watch your spouse struggle with stress and anxiety. As a busy husband, you too may feel overwhelmed yourself and not know how to help. Here are some tips for reducing stress and anxiety in your home:

1. Create a Supportive Environment:

A supportive environment is key when it comes to helping someone manage their stress levels. Make sure that your home is free of any negative energy or criticism, as this can add additional pressure on the person struggling with anxiety. Instead, focus on creating an atmosphere of understanding and acceptance where they feel safe enough to open up about their feelings without fear of judgment or repercussions.

2. Set Realistic Expectations:

It’s important to remember that everyone has different capacities for dealing with stressors in life; what works for one person may not work for another. Be mindful of setting expectations that are realistic based on the individual’s current level of ability and capacity for managing difficult situations without becoming overwhelmed or anxious.

3. Practice Self-Care Together:

Taking time out from daily responsibilities can be beneficial in helping both partners relax and de-stress together while strengthening the bond between them at the same time. Consider activities such as yoga, meditation, walks in nature, art classes etc., which have been proven to reduce cortisol (the hormone associated with stress) levels in individuals over time when practiced regularly together as a couple/family unit.

Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if needed. Talking therapy sessions have been known to provide relief from symptoms related to depression and anxiety disorders by allowing individuals an opportunity to explore underlying issues and develop coping strategies tailored specifically towards their needs.

FAQs in Relation to Overwhelmed Mom

Is it normal to feel overwhelmed as a mother?

Yes, it is normal to feel overwhelmed as a mother. Parenting can be an incredibly rewarding experience but also one that comes with its own unique set of challenges. With the added responsibilities of managing a household and taking care of children, it’s easy to become overwhelmed by all the tasks at hand. It’s important for mothers to take time for themselves and ask for help when needed in order to maintain their mental health and well-being.

What to do when you’re an overwhelmed mom?

When you’re an overwhelmed mom, it’s important to take a step back and prioritize your tasks. Make a list of the most important things that need to be done and tackle them one at a time. If you have school-aged children, consider using an online service to help organize group gifts for their coaches and teachers. This can save time, money, and stress by allowing multiple people to contribute towards one meaningful gift without having to coordinate everyone’s schedules or budgets. With this type of service, busy moms can make sure their child’s teacher or coach is appreciated without adding extra pressure on themselves.

What is depleted mother syndrome?

Depleted Mother Syndrome (DMS) is a term used to describe the exhaustion and stress experienced by mothers who are trying to balance their own needs with those of their family. It can be caused by a combination of factors, such as lack of time for self-care, financial pressures, and feeling overwhelmed or unsupported in parenting roles. Symptoms may include fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, depression and anxiety. DMS can lead to burnout if not addressed through lifestyle changes such as increased rest and relaxation activities or seeking professional help from mental health professionals.

What does mom burnout feel like?

Moms with school-aged children often experience burnout due to the demands of their lives. They feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and unable to keep up with all of their responsibilities. This can lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy as they struggle to balance work, family life, and other commitments. Moms may also feel isolated from friends or family who don’t understand the unique pressures they face on a daily basis. Burnout can have serious consequences for both physical and mental health if it is not addressed in a timely manner.

Conclusion

As a husband, it is important to recognize when your spouse is feeling overwhelmed and take steps to support them. By understanding the causes of overwhelm, being proactive in reducing stress and anxiety, and providing emotional support during difficult times, you can help your partner manage their feelings of overwhelm. With patience and understanding, you can make a real difference in helping an overwhelmed mom cope with her daily challenges.